hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
