I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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