I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
