chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
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