You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize