Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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