R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
