Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Randomize
