dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
