Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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