sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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