I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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