Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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