K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
