Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
