I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
