the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
