i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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