my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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