The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just invented taco cereal.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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