Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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