no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
