i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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