so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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