Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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