Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
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