Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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