see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
