If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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