He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
