Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
