I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
