Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
