I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
