shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
