I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
