I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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