toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize