Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
