I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
