How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
