I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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