Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
