I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
