i already hear my dad disowning me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
