i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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