I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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