The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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