I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
