I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
