Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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