How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
