I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
